Do All Women Get the Same Cue Cards?

I am not certain how women are born, but they seem to be born with a lot more naturally ingrained into their brains then men are. Four or five times in the last week, Logan has said something that to mean felt forced, almost like she felt like she had to say it. An example being that every time we are going to into a store she will say, “I look awful, I hope I don’t see anyone I know.” It doesn’t matter if we are in Norman, Seminole or Bangor, Maine she will say it. I can count on one hand home many times we have actually stumbled upon someone we knew. Now I have never been one for high fashion, in fact the only times I make certain to look my best are when we are going to the hospital to a newborn or to visit a dieing relative. That way the first and last things people remember are damn, Troy sure looks good.
Then there is that awkward goodbye that women share with a person that they are not really friends with that they haven't seen in a long time. You know the one were one girl says we really should get together soon, and the other responds with, definitely we should not go this long without seeing each other again. If you really cared, you guys would be in touch. Lets all save time and just wave as we get in our cars and drive away. When I say goodbye to someone I could care less about I just make sure my hands are full of stuff that way we cannot hug, handshake or fistpound. Then I say I am going to start the car. Poof I'm gone.

These predetermined statements engross all food items with women. If they are cooking, at the end you will hear, "It's not my best, buts it OK!" This is done to give the woman an out in case it was sugar instead of salt she put on the mashed potatoes. Then if a woman is eating anything at a party they demand to get the recipe and rave about how good it is, but when that person comes over to your house, magically that same item is never on the menu. Then there is my personal favorite; while eating a piece of chocolate cake with crisco icing, a woman will say, "I shouldn't be eating this but I will splurge this one time." (So many retorts so little time.) Didn't you say that last week. Yes, us men care that you look good, but just eat it and move on we don't need the production value. This kind of rational gets adulterous men in trouble all the time but that is not near as accepted as a sliver of dulce de leche cheesecake in your face.

Well the wife and I are heading to D/FW this weekend and I am sure I will get yelled at for this blog, but at least it will give us conversation for the trip. That reminds me about my theory of starting a fight before a road trip....next time.

If you were Curious, this Curtis will be ignored by his wife until he gets in the car.

Homework Again

It’s never good to have to preface a blog, but I just wanted it noted that I do not hate kids, in fact I like your kids but my favorite thing about them is that they are ‘your’ kids. The April from Hell (or whatever bad place you anti-pray to) continues for the wife and me. You know that saying when it rains it pours, well if this is a shit storm then we are giraffe neck deep in it. Without complaining too much, or delving too deeply into our problems, lets just say faith and booze only can get you so far. Which, leads me to children.

This past week we celebrated a first birthday of a friends child and at some point in the next week will go visit other friends who just had their first little one, and without fail Logan and I will get questions and ribbing about when we are going to have our first little one. I answer that question with a question, “Is there ever a good time to have a kid?” It seems like Logan and I can barely plan a weekend to go to Dallas, how am I suppose to set aside 9 months for her to b & m while I do all household chores and prepare to fight for television control with another set of eyes (P.S. I hate what nickelodeon has become and unless they bring back Doug Funny and Patty Mayonnaise my kids with not be allowed to watch said channel).

I am aware that life does not slow down but logical thinking tells me I will be ready for kids sometime around the time parachute pants are fashionable again and crystal Pepsi returns to store shelves. There also seems to be a lot of added pressure the older you get and the more stable your marriage becomes, especially for the man. I have so much pressure put on me by grandparents to be, mom’s to be, assistant baseball coaches to be, and even by those who will be called aunt so and so even though they are of no blood relation.

This leads to the wife wanting to have a heart to heart to scope out the next years of our life, which by the way did happen this week. I am not sure why you have to set deadlines on this sort of thing, which by the way did happen this week. All I hear is, we have to have kids by thirty or your best years are passing you by. Now I know why they call it a due-date, it’s like a school assignment all over again.

So in a way, I wish that having kids were more like freshman year of college, when there are no cares in the world and anything you did wrong was just because you were ‘adjusting’. I could just tell Logan my Grandma died, to try and get out of it for a while, which is weird because she died 4 times in 2002 also so that I could turn assignments in late. Or since I wasn’t old enough to do something I could just pay someone else to do it for me. I am not sure about how not showering or sleeping for 3 days in a row applies to baby making….wait a minute maybe that is the key after all.

If you were curious, this Curtis is in store for another bender.

Where ever, However, Whenever

Most languages have nuances that are unique to only that language. Womanese, as discussed in the last blog is no different. One of the unique qualities of Womanese is that the speaker can answer questions with questions, never give an opinion on anything as well as being able to ask questions where the is no correct answer. The best comparison is that it’s like speaking in riddles.

“Where do you want to go to dinner tonight?” (English)
Womanese answer “Where ever, you pick.”

“What time do you want to go?” (English)
Womanese answer “Whenever.”

“Okay, how about Outback at 7:30?”
Womanese answer, “That doesn’t sound good, and no way will I be ready by then, and how do I look in this dress?”

Here in lies the major conflicts between men and women. Two questions were asked, no answers were given, a decision was made, it was vetoed because obviously you (the man) forgot to read her mind. On top of all of that she ends with a question that has no answer. What the Hell! Why not say up front that you did not want a tasty steak and an awesome blossom, and is it too hard to say I it takes 3 hours to put my face on from right now so a dinner reservation before 9 pm is futile.

Now to tackle the ‘How do I look in this’ conundrum. Keep answers short, never give an answer, but give enough information for her to formulate her own opinion. I have never shared these secrets with anyone but there are couple basic strategies. 1) Talk about an accessory that she does not have on, that way she will prejudge how the dress will look. “Oh, what shoes would you wear with it?” or “I really like that white necklace, would it look good with that dress?” 2) Talk time frames they help women rationalize. “When was the last time you wore that, I can’t remember?” or “If we are out all night talking/cuddling, will you be comfortable in that?” 3) Things to avoid: All variations of good/bad, great/horrible are out, just forget about them, she doesn’t care and you do not have time to argue. Always avoid a, ‘what do you think’ because within 5 seconds that dress is wrinkled on the floor and she is asking you about another option. Lastly, never ever say, “Well what are your other options,” because now the only thing that will be open by the time she is ready is Whataburger.

So after all the work or trying to decipher what she is talking about you no doubted will end up at 10 pm (late by an hour) eating at Souper Salad (Or some other girly restaurant equivalent) waiting to get home so she can tell you, “Thanks for dinner but my head hurts lets go to bed!”

If you were Curious, this Curtis’ wife gets migraines.

Language Barriers

Creek Indian, my foreign language of choice in college, has not really helped me as much in life as say Spanish might have but that is a choice I made because I needed an A. Now with 4 years of post graduation knowledge under my belt, the choice I should have made, would have been a minor in Womanese. If I would have embarked upon my study of this primitive form of communication 8 years ago maybe, just maybe I would be more versed in its nuances which would help me sleep in my bed not on the couch more often.


This past week, while out at a bar, I asked a buddy of mine whose wife was standing next to him, if he wanted to go somewhere else after the bar. Now I will say, this somewhere else, may or may not have been clothing optional for the employees, but that is beside the point. Now after asking my friend, he looks to his wife to ask for permission like all self-respecting men do. She looks him square in the eye and says, “You can go if you want.” Well she might as well been clicking because I had no idea what she said.

Why is it that women do not say what they are thinking, why say something that is basically setting us up to fail. No matter how men react to that statement they will lose. If the man goes home with the wife and even looks at her the wrong way, the first thing out of her mouth will be, “You should have gone, I told you to go!” Then again if you go, she just says, “Well you must really want to go if you went.”

So then you may ask how you handle this situation. The short answer basically is that once that comes out of her mouth, you lose. I will however, leave you with two options than you can counter with they may or may not leave you sleeping on the couch.

“I will only go if you want some alone time to watch name her favorite DVR’ed show.”
“What I really want to do is go home and cuddle and watch the Notebook, but its probably too late for a movie so I will just go and have one drink to make him happy.”

I will address more language barrier problems later, as this is just the tip of the iceberg.

If you were Curious, this Curtis will soon be bi-lingual.

Bloggers Block

On more than one occasion, someone has asked, “How do you come up with that random stuff in your blog.” As Logan as my witness, it is the stuff I think about all the time. I know, concerning, right? So after not posting for two weeks, I started to press for a topic to blog about. I wrote one Monday morning (two days ago) and Tuesday morning (Yesterday) and after re-reading both, decided to delete.

My material, as with most blogs, including the one I do for work, need to be sparked by an experience. Truth be told I have not really done much the last couple of weeks. My day consists of work, coming home pouring a glass of Franzia fruity red sangria; which I put in a wine glass, to watch NCAA basketball games, in bed at 9 to watch two episodes of the Wonder Years and then sleep. That leaves me to blog about how mindless college basketball actually is or Winnie Cooper and Kevin Arnolds love affair. Even the new book I am reading, ‘Heaven is for Real’ leaves me little material to write about in this blog as I just doesn’t fit my writing style.

Maybe blogging is harder than I thought it would be, or maybe my life has turned boring. I lead a monotonous existence that when I was younger, swore that would not be the case. I get excited to get pants back from the cleaners and its borderline pathetic that I have a routine of Tuesday checking the new Redbox releases and Wednesday looking at the homeland grocery sales.

So for my loyal readers, yes all 5 of you, I promise to go out and get some life experiences this weekend to fill up the BMB (Blog Memory Bank). It’s kind of like the M.M.B if you catch my honcho.

The two blogs I had to nix for those wondering
Monday: Why do people call it trying to make a baby when we all know what is going on?
Tuesday: Airing Curtis family laundry. (Saving that for the book)

If you were Curious this Curtis’ has resorted to blogging about his blog.

Troy...a one man wolf pack

I know most of the readers have at one point or another been to a bar, who are we kidding unless you are pregnant or have recently given birth you will probably be a bar this weekend. Next time you are there look at your surroundings a little closer. A couple of nights ago, with no wife present, I ventured out to the bar by myself. Sad, yes, enlightening, very; and because the Office was a rerun what else was I going to do?

By the time I arrived, three other lost soul singles were bellied up so I joined them and ordered a drink. As I sip on the Miller Brewing Companies finest lite beer I begin to watch the interaction between a couple of my cohorts. The first guy thinks the bartendress, who is no better than a 5, loves him. ‘No sir, she is fishing for a tip, and you easily will be on a Dateline episode in three years’.

Then there was an Emo girl and dude, who as the night got later, began inching closer together and touching. I understand that being touchy feely is a disease that strikes even the best drunks, but if you are in a relationship, we get it, there is not need to prove that with handholding and kissing. So now I am sure you have a visual of me sitting and staring at everyone in the bar, judging, but what was I suppose to do.

Socially I have never been the outgoing butterfly that I portray in written form. I am more of a social observer than a social interacter. Not to say that I will not mingle I just have to see some benefit from interacting. In no way will I just engage in a conversation if there is nothing to gain. So to the guy in the bathroom at high end adult establishments, a quick hello, he shoots you a towel and breath mint, I slip him a dollar and the conversation was well worth it. However the flip side to this is talking to a semi-attractive girl at a bar while your wife is watching you. Unless she is a wifey friend or has something important to tell you about car headlights then I know all she is doing is fishing for a free drink. 1) No my wife is here, and 2) No, did you not see my wife standing over there about to swoop in like a falcon and rip your head off with her beak.

If you were Curious this Curtis now has a rule against going to a bar by himself unless the girls are paid to be topless.

Backwards Hats and Board Shorts

Must be a quarter+ life crisis that I am going through, as I feel most of my blogs concern the aging of this guy, but another week another disheartening experience. Having just returned from Tahoe I experienced another first; I am too old to look ‘cool’ on a snowboard.

No matter how much lower I pulled my pants down even to high school sag levels or how hip I changed my lingo to I just felt out of place, like a grandpa on the front row at a Ke$ha concert. I was sore after putting on my snowboard so suffice it to say I was on my death bed after 2 days of boarding. Falling was now a catastrophic event, I would have to lay there for minutes until I would finally tell myself, there is a ski school with ten 7 year olds about to run your geezer ass over, get up and get out of the way. So it made it me start to think, if I am too old for this what else am I too old for.

Jeans with holes in them; nothing says hey I am young and I am a hipster like wearing jeans that give a sneak peak of skin color, but alas people who are 27+ can rarely pull this off any more. For women it starts to look like rising bread dough pushing through a denim worm hole and for men it looks like Chewbacca trying to escape a denim dungeon. There is nothing worse than thinking you look cool but the only thing kids see in your jean window is a combination of varicose veins, wrinkles, and overgrown leg hair.

For women other common clothing age problems arise from large bows in your hair and wearing anything that says Class of 02’ seniors on them. Yes Logan, its time to retire all Seminole High School clothing, no it does not matter if you just sleep in them, and yes even the ones you wear as running shorts because those were short shorts 8 years ago.

This one hurts me the most to admit, but it looks as if backwards hats for me, might be a thing of the past. Nothing screams more of hey; I am here to get with your underage daughter than a guy leaning against a wall in his mid 30’s sporting a backwards baseball hat. Especially if peaking through you can see a receding hairline or a thinning tuft of unkempt hair. The same rule applies to those army hats with the tiny bills or whatever the hell you call them. People of my age need to stick with a straightforward baseball hat or maybe something of the bowler variety unless you are playing catch with your son or a Nascar race in which case it turns into anything goes.

A few quick hitters:
Saying the words, “I’m going to bounce.” (It means I am going to leave for my very advance aged readers)
Pimprolling in your car- Window down, arm out, music up, sunglasses on, head bobbing at a stop light.
Calling shotgun.
Arm wrestling.
Contracting Mono.
Fresh Water Fish Tanks.
Eating Fruit Snacks.
Buying Keystone or Natural Light Beer.
Using the words “Hook-up” especially weird if you are talking about someone you are married too.
Ordering a plain cheese pizza.
Making a ‘suicide’ at a soda fountain.
And finally Blog reader Matt R. from Texas suggested that wearing board shorts should fit this category but….

If you were curious, wearing board shorts will always be cool, and this Curtis will always do it.

Snip-Snip

Adult circumcision comes in many forms, two days ago I experienced my first snip in adulthood; I watched a lifetime movie. More preparation time should have been taken in the form of blocking channels such as Lifetime, Oxygen and the Oprah Winfrey Network from the house entirely, and for that I have only myself to blame. I also should have been more DVR prepared and not let the list of recorded man shows (Survivorman, How its Made, and anything with Katie Morgan on HBO) run so low.


DVR preparedness is a class that should be taught during all marriage preparations classes. If two simple rules are followed what happened to me can easily be avoided. First off Record anything and everything that remotely interests you. I record everything from the TV guide channel to ESPN classic. There is no better response to your wife asking do you want to watch some television than, “Honey I would love to but the DVR is so backed up I need to get that 1978 Cotton Bowl game off of there so the Young and the Restless will record tomorrow.” The second rule, shows that you watch together should only be viewed together if it comes at a cost to your spouse. Example: she is watching Rachel Ray cook a 30 minute meal that you know will never actually make its way to your table, so you say, “Honey lets watch Modern Family while we have time to spend together.” Boom! You get the living room television control at no cost to you, and after the 30 minute program the channels makes its way over to basketball.

Lack of common sense led to the stomach turning moment that occurred Tuesday night, Logan asked, “Want to cuddle and watch a lifetime?” I would rather walk around with a white head the size of a peanut on the tip of my nose for an entire day than do that. So I did what any self respecting member of the He-man Woman Haters Club would do; got in bed and watched the movie.

Now many of you who know me know that pointless information and news related items are My Everest so this particular movie did tickle my fancy. Truth be told Logan actually said the Amanda Knox movie and it was not until the first commercial break when the trailer for the Period Chronicles or Menopause Monthly aired I had no idea this flick was on the Estrogen network (Lifetime).

So my vow to all you out there; this will never happen again. I will strictly stick to ESPN, History Channel, and FOX; which thank the lord carries Glee. I will not stray to the dark side again even if it means gulp….turning off the television and just talking to my wife. Television superiority does not have to be a battle any longer in our house as I will simply just flip the breaker off, everyone knows women have no idea where the break box is located. So I leave you with one final thought…wait a second, what’s that; there is a movie about the Craigslist Killer I have to go!

If you were curious, this Curtis touches his feminine side!

Shredding the Slopes

An upcoming ski trip has sent me into a panic. On Thursday eight of us are setting out on the social experiment of our lives. Logan and I have not done much traveling during out short lives together, maybe due to my fear of flying or her fear of saving money, and this will be our first trip based solely around an activity; skiing. I am no Bode Miller but I can hold my own on the slopes, I mean by looking at me you can see I was chiseled out of an aerodynamic slate. Logan on the other hand has the coordination of a cat who been snorting the nip. So what am I suppose to do while she is figuring out which technique she will master first; pizza wedge or French fry.

In 6 years of being together I have learned many things, one being, that there is no such thing as constructive criticism with Logan, from her view the adjective before the word is non-apparent.

The good husband handbook says that I should stay by her-side and ski at her pace but unfortunately my copy of that book is on backorder at Amazon. So as long as no one tells her I will divulge a couple of strategies I am going to implore while on the slopes. I could always use the old adage "I thought you were right behind me in the lift line and when I got in the chair you were not there.", or I could stop to help a fallen child, wave Logan ahead and hope that the child saving takes long enough for her to lose me. The main factor here being is I need the separation to be not just me leaving her, like anything in our marriage if I can be blamed for it I will be.

So what if Logan falls and hurts herself while I am away you ask; two reasons that will never happen, she will not be going fast enough to hurt herself, and two the kid I saved will owe me a favor so I will have him/her help Logan down the slope.

I know what you are saying, “Troy you seem to be bashing on your wife!” She knows this has been a fear of mine since we planned this trip. I have stocked piled Southwest drink coupons and have a Belvedere big bottle meeting me upon arrival which will only be used to calm my frayed nerves. I sat down this morning and had a talk with myself, I know no matter what happens I will play this wrong. If I go off and ski will friends then I will not have helped my wife enough. If I stay with her she will remind me that I am the only one to blame for my lack of fun. Overanalyzing is what I do and all this thought about how to act on the slopes has not allowed me to formulate a plan for what I will do while be at the casino. Luckily we have been to Vegas before and I will just execute the same game-plan on this trip. Without going into to much detail it involves lying, deceit, and giving her a $20 every 30 minutes or so.



If you were wondering this Curtis plans every trip this way.

Expansion of a Man

Affter going to a local establishment before watching OU play texas in basketball, I began to grow concerned. The day after, I went to the urgent care center (oxymoron if I have ever heard of one) and was diagnosed with something horrible. I have pre-moobs. Moobs, of course, being that debilitating desease that many middle aged men suffer from and I have been pre-exposed to it, think how HIV precureses AIDS, that sort of deal; Man-Boobs.


There is jiggle where there was no jiggle before, my shoulders are dropping faster than interns in the Bill Clinton oval office (zing). More than ever I am concerned about my body image. In 9 years when we have children I don't want my kids to say look at fatty patty daddy, or run out of breath changing a diaper, that is embarrassing.

After looking over the pictures in the new Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition, I came to three conclusions more conclusions about body images. Number 1, how do you get the job of paining the swimsuits on the girls. Sign me up, hell I will take an assistant position, better yet there has to be someone to has to make sure the painting surface is clean so I will attach my resume to the blog, if I have to go the extra mile and shower with the girls, I will.

Revelation number 2, thank god I am not a woman. Taking pictures, rolling around in sand cannot be fun and those swimsuits they wear are really not functional and I have to look at them for hours just to think of something logical they could do while wearing them. One good thing about them is that the wardrobe director probably only carries a lunch sack to the shoot as those things are tiny.

Revelation Number 3, I will never be in the swimsuit edition. I know this comes as a shock to many people, especially some of my most loyal readers but I have accepted it. Logan now spoons my moobs, and what better beer rest than the pooch on by belly while I lay with my feet up on the couch. (Paragraph break, I sat for a good ten minutes thinking of anything else positive about pudgy but came up with nothing.) So who cares that I am growing, I hear when your a 75 year old man you will be praying for expansion of any sort.


If you were curious, this Curtis is expanding.

Venting on Valentine's

I cannot guarantee many things, but one thing that I am certain of, Logan will be pissed at me on or around February 14th every year. My friends always ask, “Troy, how can you live with such a mind-controlling, Valentine’s Day Hitler?” The answer is simple, American women are brainwashed at a young age. Don’t you remember decorating a shoe box, cutting a hole in the top, and getting Care-bear scratch and sniff cards in Mrs. Larsen’s third grade class. Of course, it was basically a ploy by the teacher to get a day off from teaching but little do they know they are manipulating the little girls into thinking Valentines Day is something more than it really should be.

Logan and I actually have a very good Valentines Day relationship and usually will do something big. That’s what she said. Speaking of, any sentence that precedes a that’s what she says line has never been uttered by wife to me in any romantic interlude. So even though Logan and I celebrate this ‘holiday’ I cannot help but feel duped, why do I need a day to show my wife love. That is what the clothes dryer and tiny dishwasher tablets are for, invented by men to make their wives life easier, which I turn, buy for Logan. This made me think, Cupid’s day is a Holiday for her why do I not have a holiday for me so I have thought of a couple days that I will send into the anti-Hallmark to see if they will push to make it a actual holiday.

Wear Lingerie in public only if you are semi attractive looking day. This one is pretty self explanatory, probably should take place in a warm month but I couldn’t also think of some advantages to putting that thing smack in the middle of January. I can think of hundreds of presents you could get and for the people pinching pennies giving nothing leads to wearing nothing and makes the day that much better. Second holiday idea, Retract a Statement Day. This Holiday is more of a coupon idea than anything as it could be any day during the year when you want to retract a bit of untimely word-vomit. Like when you say damn, you are muffin-topping out of them jeans or saying your driving makes me wish I was on death row and my last meal was breast milk. (I want to go out like I came in.-Kenny Powers).

Until at last I realized men already have days they can turn into their holiday, it just needs to be recognized as such. National Championship Day, I was going to say Super Bowl Sunday but being a man is tough I need an all encompassing holiday. Anytime during a pro or college sports championship men get a holiday. Their wives should bring them flowers (beer) and chocolates (beef) and shall refrain from calling a facemask penalty a helmet pull for fear of ruining my holiday. So here’s to NBA finals day coming up I hope Logan makes us a good reservation.

If you were curious Troy is like Cupid.



Wife’s comments: Troy actually is very good at Valentine’s Day…he has never failed to surprise me with something festive like a stuffed animal or a themed dinner. However I would like to mention that I have never really been a fan of this holiday and could let it pass by without much thought. As far as “husband holidays” go…he is one of those husbands that is blessed with many holidays that include:

“I can just leave my clothes on the floor & they magically end up clean & back in my closet day”

“I do not know where we keep the toilet wand day”

“The little hairs that fall all over the sink when I shave float away on their own day”

“Men only eat meat & potatoes for dinner day”

“We only attend events that I approve day”

Shall I continue…..overall I don’t think it’s too much to ask that I get a flipping card or a stuffed animal in February... JUST SAYIN!

Blogaphobia

Another snowy day here on the mean streets, a lot of people getting stuck out there in their cars having to spend the night on the road. Which brought me to the question, "Troy, what are you afraid of?" I know what most of you are thinking, "Crap, this guy is built like a mountain man with a rapist' wit, what would he have to fear." But surprisingly I have a couple of phobias.

The fear of not having enough information. This applies to many things like eating food finding a hair in said food getting grossed out but I continue to eat because the hair looks like mine. Well if I had more information I would know for sure whose hair it was. This also pertains to bodily functions, like coughing up those little white balls out of the back of your throat that is if squish them, they smell awful. Well do other people have those? Am I the only one who is afraid that you are going to run out of scabs to seal cut so you always save them when they fall off just in case. These are answers that I need and until I have them I will live in fear.

Ugly kids scare me. No not your kids to those with children or about to produce, my kids. I am afraid that my kids will be ugly, luckily the forums at beautifulpeople.com which I am a member have helped me to realize that is not my fault at all it will be my kids fault. Lets face it, all babies kind of look like aliens for about the first 4 months of life, a mix between Beldar the conehead and Gollum from Lord of the Rings. So my fear is not that the kid will be ugly its that I will not have the means to cover it up long enough to build up its self-esteem.

Kaniophobia, yes I looked it up. The fear of something new. Only a couple items in my life pertain to this, but still a fear none the less. Friends and phone numbers are one in the same to me, if I add a new phone number into my phone in knocks one number out so I think of friends the same way. I lay in bed and play survivor with people and vote them of my island. Only two of the people who read this blog have ever been voted of in my head but its no big deal I will lie to your face. I also do not like new flavors of items in which I already have a favorite flavor. SnowCones, Frozen Pizzas, women etc.

If you were curious, this Curtis is scared.

Snowy days make you think, and start drinking wine...

As we are sitting here watching the snow Logan asked, "Troy, when are you going to die?". Not until recently, did I realize, that I was only assuming the statement 'Do you think' was included in that sentence. My response used to be thirty-five. Nothing really good happens after that, you basically break down like the legs and headboards on fraternity beds . Recently my stance has changed I now want to die as age 75 because that will be after the best 10 years of my life. From age 1-18 your parents control you from age 18-30ish your boss/college dean control you and then from 30-65 control of your life is alternated by kids (a whole blog post on them later) and your boss. Then from age 75-death your life is controlled by the retirement home nurses and your kid's spouses who put you in there. So from age 65-75 is the only time Troy will run Troy. Many of you I am sure are thinking, "Troy you seem like a rebel without a cause now, I wish I could be as carefree and as naturally beautiful as you, but you are forgetting about your wife controlling you." And I would say you are right.




That 65-75 age range is now my goal not only could I finally wear sweatpants in public without persecution and say wildly inappropriate things to 20 years old girls with no consequences but the only things I will have to answer to are an over active bladder and failing liver. Speaking of inappropriate, I am very concerned how I am going to react to looking at a girl, thinking she is attractive, and then finding out she was born in the 00's or whatever we are going to call it. This concerns me, because for legal purposes, its only 7 years away.



Which brings me to my final point of the day, old people diseases at early ages. Logan nor I can make it through the night without peeing, when I was younger I could case race, pee twice, do shots, pee once then wake up the next morning; now I drink water after 8 pm I'm up twice in the middle of the night. If its safe to assume this problem to get worse I will have an Ambian and bed wetting problem by 40. Diverticulitis struck a friend of the same age recently I will not mention names because a Colon infection is not a laughing matter nor would I suggest him reading this, one stray laugh and he could set off that ticking time bomb he is sitting on. I know the people reading this could write out a laundry list of diseases that would make the residents at Shady Pines giggling through their oxygen masks and dulcolax popsicles.



If you were Curious, the Curtis' think about getting old.

2nd Step into the Mind of a Magician

Apparently Oklahoma City never gets the memo that it snows here twice a year. Each time it does its like people have been flashed over the past year by that thing Will Smith carries in Men In Black. Its an anomaly as to why our roads cannot be cleaned because we don’t have the equipment yet every year we go through the same thing. It makes no sense, kind of like why you get those tongue zit type things or enlarged taste buds. If the taste bud is larger shouldn’t things taste that much better or worse, and why can you not pop them like a zit and why do they not scab up or flake off like the rest of the imperfections on my body. The only answer for this is that I swallowed them or they are still in my tongue. Needless to say Logan is buying us water, wine and all the other reparations for the incoming storm.




This brings me to the state of sports in American society. I do not think that people especially women should be able to participate in Super Bowl festivities if they have not watched a single football game all year. The Super Bowl is a reward and culmination of a fan watching games all year which signals an end to one season and starts the anticipation for the next. The people who freeload just the last game are kind of like a shitty dentist. They kind of cute but really she is only cute in a dentist assistant sort of way has to have her hands in your moth peeling plaque away, gagging you with those x-ray plates and then watching you spit as if your some sort of camel are the real football fans. Then dentist who comes in at the end pokes on a few teeth with that pick gets all the reward after really putting in no real effort. Borderline, make’s me sick. It’s also really hard to try to impress the 5/10 in the real-world but 9/10 for a dentist girl whilst you’re gagging on said x-ray plate and she is snapping Polaroid’s of your gums. Packers 31-24 over the Steelers.



This brings me to my last point of the blog, wrestling. Not that fake Greco roman, two men giving each other ring worms, while only parents watch, fake wrestling; I am talking about Vince McMahon, grown men trying to win a championship to reach the pinnacle of their profession wrestling. So what, watching it a my only vice, a guilty pleasure if you will that probably stems from a lack of solid core values brought on by too much Foxnews as a child. Wrestling can be compared to many shows that garner some of the largest rating on television so it astounds me that more people do not tune in every Monday to watch such beauty. Dancing the Stars is like wrestling in that it’s two men in a choreographed ‘dance’ except they have steel chairs and hot pants. Jersey Shore is like wrestling in that the raw emotion and the realness of the characters really resonates with the audience, and the whole fake tans man love thing. So I leave you with one thought, the world would be a better place is Israel and Palestine could win or lose the Gaza strip at WrestleMania in a loser leaves our land Steel Cage Match.



Take a little more curiosity out daily.

I will be taking over the blog posts from now on

So finally I have decided to resurrect this blog from obscurity and write it with a zest and hunger that only the namesake Curtis’ can bestow to it.  I know what you all are thinking right now, why do I care what this jackass has to say and even more, I have probably hung out with him and to a lesser extent her and they are pretty boring people except when he gets drunk and inappropriate and you have to laugh at him or else you will be so embarrassed he will be hard to look at.  It’s like that one time I reenacting my good friend Garin’s birth for his mother at a recent graduation party.
 
So I guess the main purpose of a blog is to muse about what has been going on in our lives and occasionally add a funny quip here or there to make it not seem like the truth.  Truth be told the truthful blog about the Curtis’ would be Monday night sat on the couch drank wine watched tv.  Tuesday-Friday repeat.  Saturday went out until the wee hours of 10:45 with the Wente’s currently our only friends in town came home drank wine on the couch and watched TV until we fell asleep.  If I have learned one thing in my 27 years of life its that to make a story good you just lie or tell it from an odd point of view to make it interesting.  So not only will I lie my ass off, not only to amuse myself but to transport myself into the fantasy life I have always envisioned.  Speaking of fantasy life is it not weird that most things can be looked at as needing to be bigger or smaller to make things better or worse.  Every night I look at my house, the TV, my bank account and Logan and do just that.  For couch sleeping sake I will not answer them here but needless to say; Joey just look down and you will know what I am talking about.
 
Writing this blog will surely offend a lot of people I know but I try to do that on a consistent basis anyway so I thought on my first entry I would apologize in general to everyone I have met, will talk about, will infer to, or will offend.  Sorry.  Since most of my opening entry has rambled about making entries I will share a small item in my head this week, am I being filmed like I am in the Truman Show.
 
It’s a question that can never be answered because if I asked anyone, they would be an actor and couldn’t tell me yet I always think Logan must make good money since she has a starring roll.  Was dating other girls like auditions to see who would get the lead.  I would also want to meet the casting director because he casted some odd people.  I did write an entire paragraph about a lady I work with, one of my friends and their casting but deleted it to save face.  So In conclusion think about how long the credits will be at the end of my movie listed in order of appearance.  Semen 1 played by himself Semen 2 played by himself.
 
After reading this you  no longer have to be Curious.