Backwards Hats and Board Shorts

Must be a quarter+ life crisis that I am going through, as I feel most of my blogs concern the aging of this guy, but another week another disheartening experience. Having just returned from Tahoe I experienced another first; I am too old to look ‘cool’ on a snowboard.

No matter how much lower I pulled my pants down even to high school sag levels or how hip I changed my lingo to I just felt out of place, like a grandpa on the front row at a Ke$ha concert. I was sore after putting on my snowboard so suffice it to say I was on my death bed after 2 days of boarding. Falling was now a catastrophic event, I would have to lay there for minutes until I would finally tell myself, there is a ski school with ten 7 year olds about to run your geezer ass over, get up and get out of the way. So it made it me start to think, if I am too old for this what else am I too old for.

Jeans with holes in them; nothing says hey I am young and I am a hipster like wearing jeans that give a sneak peak of skin color, but alas people who are 27+ can rarely pull this off any more. For women it starts to look like rising bread dough pushing through a denim worm hole and for men it looks like Chewbacca trying to escape a denim dungeon. There is nothing worse than thinking you look cool but the only thing kids see in your jean window is a combination of varicose veins, wrinkles, and overgrown leg hair.

For women other common clothing age problems arise from large bows in your hair and wearing anything that says Class of 02’ seniors on them. Yes Logan, its time to retire all Seminole High School clothing, no it does not matter if you just sleep in them, and yes even the ones you wear as running shorts because those were short shorts 8 years ago.

This one hurts me the most to admit, but it looks as if backwards hats for me, might be a thing of the past. Nothing screams more of hey; I am here to get with your underage daughter than a guy leaning against a wall in his mid 30’s sporting a backwards baseball hat. Especially if peaking through you can see a receding hairline or a thinning tuft of unkempt hair. The same rule applies to those army hats with the tiny bills or whatever the hell you call them. People of my age need to stick with a straightforward baseball hat or maybe something of the bowler variety unless you are playing catch with your son or a Nascar race in which case it turns into anything goes.

A few quick hitters:
Saying the words, “I’m going to bounce.” (It means I am going to leave for my very advance aged readers)
Pimprolling in your car- Window down, arm out, music up, sunglasses on, head bobbing at a stop light.
Calling shotgun.
Arm wrestling.
Contracting Mono.
Fresh Water Fish Tanks.
Eating Fruit Snacks.
Buying Keystone or Natural Light Beer.
Using the words “Hook-up” especially weird if you are talking about someone you are married too.
Ordering a plain cheese pizza.
Making a ‘suicide’ at a soda fountain.
And finally Blog reader Matt R. from Texas suggested that wearing board shorts should fit this category but….

If you were curious, wearing board shorts will always be cool, and this Curtis will always do it.