Snip-Snip

Adult circumcision comes in many forms, two days ago I experienced my first snip in adulthood; I watched a lifetime movie. More preparation time should have been taken in the form of blocking channels such as Lifetime, Oxygen and the Oprah Winfrey Network from the house entirely, and for that I have only myself to blame. I also should have been more DVR prepared and not let the list of recorded man shows (Survivorman, How its Made, and anything with Katie Morgan on HBO) run so low.


DVR preparedness is a class that should be taught during all marriage preparations classes. If two simple rules are followed what happened to me can easily be avoided. First off Record anything and everything that remotely interests you. I record everything from the TV guide channel to ESPN classic. There is no better response to your wife asking do you want to watch some television than, “Honey I would love to but the DVR is so backed up I need to get that 1978 Cotton Bowl game off of there so the Young and the Restless will record tomorrow.” The second rule, shows that you watch together should only be viewed together if it comes at a cost to your spouse. Example: she is watching Rachel Ray cook a 30 minute meal that you know will never actually make its way to your table, so you say, “Honey lets watch Modern Family while we have time to spend together.” Boom! You get the living room television control at no cost to you, and after the 30 minute program the channels makes its way over to basketball.

Lack of common sense led to the stomach turning moment that occurred Tuesday night, Logan asked, “Want to cuddle and watch a lifetime?” I would rather walk around with a white head the size of a peanut on the tip of my nose for an entire day than do that. So I did what any self respecting member of the He-man Woman Haters Club would do; got in bed and watched the movie.

Now many of you who know me know that pointless information and news related items are My Everest so this particular movie did tickle my fancy. Truth be told Logan actually said the Amanda Knox movie and it was not until the first commercial break when the trailer for the Period Chronicles or Menopause Monthly aired I had no idea this flick was on the Estrogen network (Lifetime).

So my vow to all you out there; this will never happen again. I will strictly stick to ESPN, History Channel, and FOX; which thank the lord carries Glee. I will not stray to the dark side again even if it means gulp….turning off the television and just talking to my wife. Television superiority does not have to be a battle any longer in our house as I will simply just flip the breaker off, everyone knows women have no idea where the break box is located. So I leave you with one final thought…wait a second, what’s that; there is a movie about the Craigslist Killer I have to go!

If you were curious, this Curtis touches his feminine side!

Shredding the Slopes

An upcoming ski trip has sent me into a panic. On Thursday eight of us are setting out on the social experiment of our lives. Logan and I have not done much traveling during out short lives together, maybe due to my fear of flying or her fear of saving money, and this will be our first trip based solely around an activity; skiing. I am no Bode Miller but I can hold my own on the slopes, I mean by looking at me you can see I was chiseled out of an aerodynamic slate. Logan on the other hand has the coordination of a cat who been snorting the nip. So what am I suppose to do while she is figuring out which technique she will master first; pizza wedge or French fry.

In 6 years of being together I have learned many things, one being, that there is no such thing as constructive criticism with Logan, from her view the adjective before the word is non-apparent.

The good husband handbook says that I should stay by her-side and ski at her pace but unfortunately my copy of that book is on backorder at Amazon. So as long as no one tells her I will divulge a couple of strategies I am going to implore while on the slopes. I could always use the old adage "I thought you were right behind me in the lift line and when I got in the chair you were not there.", or I could stop to help a fallen child, wave Logan ahead and hope that the child saving takes long enough for her to lose me. The main factor here being is I need the separation to be not just me leaving her, like anything in our marriage if I can be blamed for it I will be.

So what if Logan falls and hurts herself while I am away you ask; two reasons that will never happen, she will not be going fast enough to hurt herself, and two the kid I saved will owe me a favor so I will have him/her help Logan down the slope.

I know what you are saying, “Troy you seem to be bashing on your wife!” She knows this has been a fear of mine since we planned this trip. I have stocked piled Southwest drink coupons and have a Belvedere big bottle meeting me upon arrival which will only be used to calm my frayed nerves. I sat down this morning and had a talk with myself, I know no matter what happens I will play this wrong. If I go off and ski will friends then I will not have helped my wife enough. If I stay with her she will remind me that I am the only one to blame for my lack of fun. Overanalyzing is what I do and all this thought about how to act on the slopes has not allowed me to formulate a plan for what I will do while be at the casino. Luckily we have been to Vegas before and I will just execute the same game-plan on this trip. Without going into to much detail it involves lying, deceit, and giving her a $20 every 30 minutes or so.



If you were wondering this Curtis plans every trip this way.

Expansion of a Man

Affter going to a local establishment before watching OU play texas in basketball, I began to grow concerned. The day after, I went to the urgent care center (oxymoron if I have ever heard of one) and was diagnosed with something horrible. I have pre-moobs. Moobs, of course, being that debilitating desease that many middle aged men suffer from and I have been pre-exposed to it, think how HIV precureses AIDS, that sort of deal; Man-Boobs.


There is jiggle where there was no jiggle before, my shoulders are dropping faster than interns in the Bill Clinton oval office (zing). More than ever I am concerned about my body image. In 9 years when we have children I don't want my kids to say look at fatty patty daddy, or run out of breath changing a diaper, that is embarrassing.

After looking over the pictures in the new Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition, I came to three conclusions more conclusions about body images. Number 1, how do you get the job of paining the swimsuits on the girls. Sign me up, hell I will take an assistant position, better yet there has to be someone to has to make sure the painting surface is clean so I will attach my resume to the blog, if I have to go the extra mile and shower with the girls, I will.

Revelation number 2, thank god I am not a woman. Taking pictures, rolling around in sand cannot be fun and those swimsuits they wear are really not functional and I have to look at them for hours just to think of something logical they could do while wearing them. One good thing about them is that the wardrobe director probably only carries a lunch sack to the shoot as those things are tiny.

Revelation Number 3, I will never be in the swimsuit edition. I know this comes as a shock to many people, especially some of my most loyal readers but I have accepted it. Logan now spoons my moobs, and what better beer rest than the pooch on by belly while I lay with my feet up on the couch. (Paragraph break, I sat for a good ten minutes thinking of anything else positive about pudgy but came up with nothing.) So who cares that I am growing, I hear when your a 75 year old man you will be praying for expansion of any sort.


If you were curious, this Curtis is expanding.

Venting on Valentine's

I cannot guarantee many things, but one thing that I am certain of, Logan will be pissed at me on or around February 14th every year. My friends always ask, “Troy, how can you live with such a mind-controlling, Valentine’s Day Hitler?” The answer is simple, American women are brainwashed at a young age. Don’t you remember decorating a shoe box, cutting a hole in the top, and getting Care-bear scratch and sniff cards in Mrs. Larsen’s third grade class. Of course, it was basically a ploy by the teacher to get a day off from teaching but little do they know they are manipulating the little girls into thinking Valentines Day is something more than it really should be.

Logan and I actually have a very good Valentines Day relationship and usually will do something big. That’s what she said. Speaking of, any sentence that precedes a that’s what she says line has never been uttered by wife to me in any romantic interlude. So even though Logan and I celebrate this ‘holiday’ I cannot help but feel duped, why do I need a day to show my wife love. That is what the clothes dryer and tiny dishwasher tablets are for, invented by men to make their wives life easier, which I turn, buy for Logan. This made me think, Cupid’s day is a Holiday for her why do I not have a holiday for me so I have thought of a couple days that I will send into the anti-Hallmark to see if they will push to make it a actual holiday.

Wear Lingerie in public only if you are semi attractive looking day. This one is pretty self explanatory, probably should take place in a warm month but I couldn’t also think of some advantages to putting that thing smack in the middle of January. I can think of hundreds of presents you could get and for the people pinching pennies giving nothing leads to wearing nothing and makes the day that much better. Second holiday idea, Retract a Statement Day. This Holiday is more of a coupon idea than anything as it could be any day during the year when you want to retract a bit of untimely word-vomit. Like when you say damn, you are muffin-topping out of them jeans or saying your driving makes me wish I was on death row and my last meal was breast milk. (I want to go out like I came in.-Kenny Powers).

Until at last I realized men already have days they can turn into their holiday, it just needs to be recognized as such. National Championship Day, I was going to say Super Bowl Sunday but being a man is tough I need an all encompassing holiday. Anytime during a pro or college sports championship men get a holiday. Their wives should bring them flowers (beer) and chocolates (beef) and shall refrain from calling a facemask penalty a helmet pull for fear of ruining my holiday. So here’s to NBA finals day coming up I hope Logan makes us a good reservation.

If you were curious Troy is like Cupid.



Wife’s comments: Troy actually is very good at Valentine’s Day…he has never failed to surprise me with something festive like a stuffed animal or a themed dinner. However I would like to mention that I have never really been a fan of this holiday and could let it pass by without much thought. As far as “husband holidays” go…he is one of those husbands that is blessed with many holidays that include:

“I can just leave my clothes on the floor & they magically end up clean & back in my closet day”

“I do not know where we keep the toilet wand day”

“The little hairs that fall all over the sink when I shave float away on their own day”

“Men only eat meat & potatoes for dinner day”

“We only attend events that I approve day”

Shall I continue…..overall I don’t think it’s too much to ask that I get a flipping card or a stuffed animal in February... JUST SAYIN!

Blogaphobia

Another snowy day here on the mean streets, a lot of people getting stuck out there in their cars having to spend the night on the road. Which brought me to the question, "Troy, what are you afraid of?" I know what most of you are thinking, "Crap, this guy is built like a mountain man with a rapist' wit, what would he have to fear." But surprisingly I have a couple of phobias.

The fear of not having enough information. This applies to many things like eating food finding a hair in said food getting grossed out but I continue to eat because the hair looks like mine. Well if I had more information I would know for sure whose hair it was. This also pertains to bodily functions, like coughing up those little white balls out of the back of your throat that is if squish them, they smell awful. Well do other people have those? Am I the only one who is afraid that you are going to run out of scabs to seal cut so you always save them when they fall off just in case. These are answers that I need and until I have them I will live in fear.

Ugly kids scare me. No not your kids to those with children or about to produce, my kids. I am afraid that my kids will be ugly, luckily the forums at beautifulpeople.com which I am a member have helped me to realize that is not my fault at all it will be my kids fault. Lets face it, all babies kind of look like aliens for about the first 4 months of life, a mix between Beldar the conehead and Gollum from Lord of the Rings. So my fear is not that the kid will be ugly its that I will not have the means to cover it up long enough to build up its self-esteem.

Kaniophobia, yes I looked it up. The fear of something new. Only a couple items in my life pertain to this, but still a fear none the less. Friends and phone numbers are one in the same to me, if I add a new phone number into my phone in knocks one number out so I think of friends the same way. I lay in bed and play survivor with people and vote them of my island. Only two of the people who read this blog have ever been voted of in my head but its no big deal I will lie to your face. I also do not like new flavors of items in which I already have a favorite flavor. SnowCones, Frozen Pizzas, women etc.

If you were curious, this Curtis is scared.

Snowy days make you think, and start drinking wine...

As we are sitting here watching the snow Logan asked, "Troy, when are you going to die?". Not until recently, did I realize, that I was only assuming the statement 'Do you think' was included in that sentence. My response used to be thirty-five. Nothing really good happens after that, you basically break down like the legs and headboards on fraternity beds . Recently my stance has changed I now want to die as age 75 because that will be after the best 10 years of my life. From age 1-18 your parents control you from age 18-30ish your boss/college dean control you and then from 30-65 control of your life is alternated by kids (a whole blog post on them later) and your boss. Then from age 75-death your life is controlled by the retirement home nurses and your kid's spouses who put you in there. So from age 65-75 is the only time Troy will run Troy. Many of you I am sure are thinking, "Troy you seem like a rebel without a cause now, I wish I could be as carefree and as naturally beautiful as you, but you are forgetting about your wife controlling you." And I would say you are right.




That 65-75 age range is now my goal not only could I finally wear sweatpants in public without persecution and say wildly inappropriate things to 20 years old girls with no consequences but the only things I will have to answer to are an over active bladder and failing liver. Speaking of inappropriate, I am very concerned how I am going to react to looking at a girl, thinking she is attractive, and then finding out she was born in the 00's or whatever we are going to call it. This concerns me, because for legal purposes, its only 7 years away.



Which brings me to my final point of the day, old people diseases at early ages. Logan nor I can make it through the night without peeing, when I was younger I could case race, pee twice, do shots, pee once then wake up the next morning; now I drink water after 8 pm I'm up twice in the middle of the night. If its safe to assume this problem to get worse I will have an Ambian and bed wetting problem by 40. Diverticulitis struck a friend of the same age recently I will not mention names because a Colon infection is not a laughing matter nor would I suggest him reading this, one stray laugh and he could set off that ticking time bomb he is sitting on. I know the people reading this could write out a laundry list of diseases that would make the residents at Shady Pines giggling through their oxygen masks and dulcolax popsicles.



If you were Curious, the Curtis' think about getting old.