Do All Women Get the Same Cue Cards?

I am not certain how women are born, but they seem to be born with a lot more naturally ingrained into their brains then men are. Four or five times in the last week, Logan has said something that to mean felt forced, almost like she felt like she had to say it. An example being that every time we are going to into a store she will say, “I look awful, I hope I don’t see anyone I know.” It doesn’t matter if we are in Norman, Seminole or Bangor, Maine she will say it. I can count on one hand home many times we have actually stumbled upon someone we knew. Now I have never been one for high fashion, in fact the only times I make certain to look my best are when we are going to the hospital to a newborn or to visit a dieing relative. That way the first and last things people remember are damn, Troy sure looks good.
Then there is that awkward goodbye that women share with a person that they are not really friends with that they haven't seen in a long time. You know the one were one girl says we really should get together soon, and the other responds with, definitely we should not go this long without seeing each other again. If you really cared, you guys would be in touch. Lets all save time and just wave as we get in our cars and drive away. When I say goodbye to someone I could care less about I just make sure my hands are full of stuff that way we cannot hug, handshake or fistpound. Then I say I am going to start the car. Poof I'm gone.

These predetermined statements engross all food items with women. If they are cooking, at the end you will hear, "It's not my best, buts it OK!" This is done to give the woman an out in case it was sugar instead of salt she put on the mashed potatoes. Then if a woman is eating anything at a party they demand to get the recipe and rave about how good it is, but when that person comes over to your house, magically that same item is never on the menu. Then there is my personal favorite; while eating a piece of chocolate cake with crisco icing, a woman will say, "I shouldn't be eating this but I will splurge this one time." (So many retorts so little time.) Didn't you say that last week. Yes, us men care that you look good, but just eat it and move on we don't need the production value. This kind of rational gets adulterous men in trouble all the time but that is not near as accepted as a sliver of dulce de leche cheesecake in your face.

Well the wife and I are heading to D/FW this weekend and I am sure I will get yelled at for this blog, but at least it will give us conversation for the trip. That reminds me about my theory of starting a fight before a road trip....next time.

If you were Curious, this Curtis will be ignored by his wife until he gets in the car.

Homework Again

It’s never good to have to preface a blog, but I just wanted it noted that I do not hate kids, in fact I like your kids but my favorite thing about them is that they are ‘your’ kids. The April from Hell (or whatever bad place you anti-pray to) continues for the wife and me. You know that saying when it rains it pours, well if this is a shit storm then we are giraffe neck deep in it. Without complaining too much, or delving too deeply into our problems, lets just say faith and booze only can get you so far. Which, leads me to children.

This past week we celebrated a first birthday of a friends child and at some point in the next week will go visit other friends who just had their first little one, and without fail Logan and I will get questions and ribbing about when we are going to have our first little one. I answer that question with a question, “Is there ever a good time to have a kid?” It seems like Logan and I can barely plan a weekend to go to Dallas, how am I suppose to set aside 9 months for her to b & m while I do all household chores and prepare to fight for television control with another set of eyes (P.S. I hate what nickelodeon has become and unless they bring back Doug Funny and Patty Mayonnaise my kids with not be allowed to watch said channel).

I am aware that life does not slow down but logical thinking tells me I will be ready for kids sometime around the time parachute pants are fashionable again and crystal Pepsi returns to store shelves. There also seems to be a lot of added pressure the older you get and the more stable your marriage becomes, especially for the man. I have so much pressure put on me by grandparents to be, mom’s to be, assistant baseball coaches to be, and even by those who will be called aunt so and so even though they are of no blood relation.

This leads to the wife wanting to have a heart to heart to scope out the next years of our life, which by the way did happen this week. I am not sure why you have to set deadlines on this sort of thing, which by the way did happen this week. All I hear is, we have to have kids by thirty or your best years are passing you by. Now I know why they call it a due-date, it’s like a school assignment all over again.

So in a way, I wish that having kids were more like freshman year of college, when there are no cares in the world and anything you did wrong was just because you were ‘adjusting’. I could just tell Logan my Grandma died, to try and get out of it for a while, which is weird because she died 4 times in 2002 also so that I could turn assignments in late. Or since I wasn’t old enough to do something I could just pay someone else to do it for me. I am not sure about how not showering or sleeping for 3 days in a row applies to baby making….wait a minute maybe that is the key after all.

If you were curious, this Curtis is in store for another bender.

Where ever, However, Whenever

Most languages have nuances that are unique to only that language. Womanese, as discussed in the last blog is no different. One of the unique qualities of Womanese is that the speaker can answer questions with questions, never give an opinion on anything as well as being able to ask questions where the is no correct answer. The best comparison is that it’s like speaking in riddles.

“Where do you want to go to dinner tonight?” (English)
Womanese answer “Where ever, you pick.”

“What time do you want to go?” (English)
Womanese answer “Whenever.”

“Okay, how about Outback at 7:30?”
Womanese answer, “That doesn’t sound good, and no way will I be ready by then, and how do I look in this dress?”

Here in lies the major conflicts between men and women. Two questions were asked, no answers were given, a decision was made, it was vetoed because obviously you (the man) forgot to read her mind. On top of all of that she ends with a question that has no answer. What the Hell! Why not say up front that you did not want a tasty steak and an awesome blossom, and is it too hard to say I it takes 3 hours to put my face on from right now so a dinner reservation before 9 pm is futile.

Now to tackle the ‘How do I look in this’ conundrum. Keep answers short, never give an answer, but give enough information for her to formulate her own opinion. I have never shared these secrets with anyone but there are couple basic strategies. 1) Talk about an accessory that she does not have on, that way she will prejudge how the dress will look. “Oh, what shoes would you wear with it?” or “I really like that white necklace, would it look good with that dress?” 2) Talk time frames they help women rationalize. “When was the last time you wore that, I can’t remember?” or “If we are out all night talking/cuddling, will you be comfortable in that?” 3) Things to avoid: All variations of good/bad, great/horrible are out, just forget about them, she doesn’t care and you do not have time to argue. Always avoid a, ‘what do you think’ because within 5 seconds that dress is wrinkled on the floor and she is asking you about another option. Lastly, never ever say, “Well what are your other options,” because now the only thing that will be open by the time she is ready is Whataburger.

So after all the work or trying to decipher what she is talking about you no doubted will end up at 10 pm (late by an hour) eating at Souper Salad (Or some other girly restaurant equivalent) waiting to get home so she can tell you, “Thanks for dinner but my head hurts lets go to bed!”

If you were Curious, this Curtis’ wife gets migraines.