Do All Women Get the Same Cue Cards?

I am not certain how women are born, but they seem to be born with a lot more naturally ingrained into their brains then men are. Four or five times in the last week, Logan has said something that to mean felt forced, almost like she felt like she had to say it. An example being that every time we are going to into a store she will say, “I look awful, I hope I don’t see anyone I know.” It doesn’t matter if we are in Norman, Seminole or Bangor, Maine she will say it. I can count on one hand home many times we have actually stumbled upon someone we knew. Now I have never been one for high fashion, in fact the only times I make certain to look my best are when we are going to the hospital to a newborn or to visit a dieing relative. That way the first and last things people remember are damn, Troy sure looks good.
Then there is that awkward goodbye that women share with a person that they are not really friends with that they haven't seen in a long time. You know the one were one girl says we really should get together soon, and the other responds with, definitely we should not go this long without seeing each other again. If you really cared, you guys would be in touch. Lets all save time and just wave as we get in our cars and drive away. When I say goodbye to someone I could care less about I just make sure my hands are full of stuff that way we cannot hug, handshake or fistpound. Then I say I am going to start the car. Poof I'm gone.

These predetermined statements engross all food items with women. If they are cooking, at the end you will hear, "It's not my best, buts it OK!" This is done to give the woman an out in case it was sugar instead of salt she put on the mashed potatoes. Then if a woman is eating anything at a party they demand to get the recipe and rave about how good it is, but when that person comes over to your house, magically that same item is never on the menu. Then there is my personal favorite; while eating a piece of chocolate cake with crisco icing, a woman will say, "I shouldn't be eating this but I will splurge this one time." (So many retorts so little time.) Didn't you say that last week. Yes, us men care that you look good, but just eat it and move on we don't need the production value. This kind of rational gets adulterous men in trouble all the time but that is not near as accepted as a sliver of dulce de leche cheesecake in your face.

Well the wife and I are heading to D/FW this weekend and I am sure I will get yelled at for this blog, but at least it will give us conversation for the trip. That reminds me about my theory of starting a fight before a road trip....next time.

If you were Curious, this Curtis will be ignored by his wife until he gets in the car.

Homework Again

It’s never good to have to preface a blog, but I just wanted it noted that I do not hate kids, in fact I like your kids but my favorite thing about them is that they are ‘your’ kids. The April from Hell (or whatever bad place you anti-pray to) continues for the wife and me. You know that saying when it rains it pours, well if this is a shit storm then we are giraffe neck deep in it. Without complaining too much, or delving too deeply into our problems, lets just say faith and booze only can get you so far. Which, leads me to children.

This past week we celebrated a first birthday of a friends child and at some point in the next week will go visit other friends who just had their first little one, and without fail Logan and I will get questions and ribbing about when we are going to have our first little one. I answer that question with a question, “Is there ever a good time to have a kid?” It seems like Logan and I can barely plan a weekend to go to Dallas, how am I suppose to set aside 9 months for her to b & m while I do all household chores and prepare to fight for television control with another set of eyes (P.S. I hate what nickelodeon has become and unless they bring back Doug Funny and Patty Mayonnaise my kids with not be allowed to watch said channel).

I am aware that life does not slow down but logical thinking tells me I will be ready for kids sometime around the time parachute pants are fashionable again and crystal Pepsi returns to store shelves. There also seems to be a lot of added pressure the older you get and the more stable your marriage becomes, especially for the man. I have so much pressure put on me by grandparents to be, mom’s to be, assistant baseball coaches to be, and even by those who will be called aunt so and so even though they are of no blood relation.

This leads to the wife wanting to have a heart to heart to scope out the next years of our life, which by the way did happen this week. I am not sure why you have to set deadlines on this sort of thing, which by the way did happen this week. All I hear is, we have to have kids by thirty or your best years are passing you by. Now I know why they call it a due-date, it’s like a school assignment all over again.

So in a way, I wish that having kids were more like freshman year of college, when there are no cares in the world and anything you did wrong was just because you were ‘adjusting’. I could just tell Logan my Grandma died, to try and get out of it for a while, which is weird because she died 4 times in 2002 also so that I could turn assignments in late. Or since I wasn’t old enough to do something I could just pay someone else to do it for me. I am not sure about how not showering or sleeping for 3 days in a row applies to baby making….wait a minute maybe that is the key after all.

If you were curious, this Curtis is in store for another bender.

Where ever, However, Whenever

Most languages have nuances that are unique to only that language. Womanese, as discussed in the last blog is no different. One of the unique qualities of Womanese is that the speaker can answer questions with questions, never give an opinion on anything as well as being able to ask questions where the is no correct answer. The best comparison is that it’s like speaking in riddles.

“Where do you want to go to dinner tonight?” (English)
Womanese answer “Where ever, you pick.”

“What time do you want to go?” (English)
Womanese answer “Whenever.”

“Okay, how about Outback at 7:30?”
Womanese answer, “That doesn’t sound good, and no way will I be ready by then, and how do I look in this dress?”

Here in lies the major conflicts between men and women. Two questions were asked, no answers were given, a decision was made, it was vetoed because obviously you (the man) forgot to read her mind. On top of all of that she ends with a question that has no answer. What the Hell! Why not say up front that you did not want a tasty steak and an awesome blossom, and is it too hard to say I it takes 3 hours to put my face on from right now so a dinner reservation before 9 pm is futile.

Now to tackle the ‘How do I look in this’ conundrum. Keep answers short, never give an answer, but give enough information for her to formulate her own opinion. I have never shared these secrets with anyone but there are couple basic strategies. 1) Talk about an accessory that she does not have on, that way she will prejudge how the dress will look. “Oh, what shoes would you wear with it?” or “I really like that white necklace, would it look good with that dress?” 2) Talk time frames they help women rationalize. “When was the last time you wore that, I can’t remember?” or “If we are out all night talking/cuddling, will you be comfortable in that?” 3) Things to avoid: All variations of good/bad, great/horrible are out, just forget about them, she doesn’t care and you do not have time to argue. Always avoid a, ‘what do you think’ because within 5 seconds that dress is wrinkled on the floor and she is asking you about another option. Lastly, never ever say, “Well what are your other options,” because now the only thing that will be open by the time she is ready is Whataburger.

So after all the work or trying to decipher what she is talking about you no doubted will end up at 10 pm (late by an hour) eating at Souper Salad (Or some other girly restaurant equivalent) waiting to get home so she can tell you, “Thanks for dinner but my head hurts lets go to bed!”

If you were Curious, this Curtis’ wife gets migraines.

Language Barriers

Creek Indian, my foreign language of choice in college, has not really helped me as much in life as say Spanish might have but that is a choice I made because I needed an A. Now with 4 years of post graduation knowledge under my belt, the choice I should have made, would have been a minor in Womanese. If I would have embarked upon my study of this primitive form of communication 8 years ago maybe, just maybe I would be more versed in its nuances which would help me sleep in my bed not on the couch more often.


This past week, while out at a bar, I asked a buddy of mine whose wife was standing next to him, if he wanted to go somewhere else after the bar. Now I will say, this somewhere else, may or may not have been clothing optional for the employees, but that is beside the point. Now after asking my friend, he looks to his wife to ask for permission like all self-respecting men do. She looks him square in the eye and says, “You can go if you want.” Well she might as well been clicking because I had no idea what she said.

Why is it that women do not say what they are thinking, why say something that is basically setting us up to fail. No matter how men react to that statement they will lose. If the man goes home with the wife and even looks at her the wrong way, the first thing out of her mouth will be, “You should have gone, I told you to go!” Then again if you go, she just says, “Well you must really want to go if you went.”

So then you may ask how you handle this situation. The short answer basically is that once that comes out of her mouth, you lose. I will however, leave you with two options than you can counter with they may or may not leave you sleeping on the couch.

“I will only go if you want some alone time to watch name her favorite DVR’ed show.”
“What I really want to do is go home and cuddle and watch the Notebook, but its probably too late for a movie so I will just go and have one drink to make him happy.”

I will address more language barrier problems later, as this is just the tip of the iceberg.

If you were Curious, this Curtis will soon be bi-lingual.

Bloggers Block

On more than one occasion, someone has asked, “How do you come up with that random stuff in your blog.” As Logan as my witness, it is the stuff I think about all the time. I know, concerning, right? So after not posting for two weeks, I started to press for a topic to blog about. I wrote one Monday morning (two days ago) and Tuesday morning (Yesterday) and after re-reading both, decided to delete.

My material, as with most blogs, including the one I do for work, need to be sparked by an experience. Truth be told I have not really done much the last couple of weeks. My day consists of work, coming home pouring a glass of Franzia fruity red sangria; which I put in a wine glass, to watch NCAA basketball games, in bed at 9 to watch two episodes of the Wonder Years and then sleep. That leaves me to blog about how mindless college basketball actually is or Winnie Cooper and Kevin Arnolds love affair. Even the new book I am reading, ‘Heaven is for Real’ leaves me little material to write about in this blog as I just doesn’t fit my writing style.

Maybe blogging is harder than I thought it would be, or maybe my life has turned boring. I lead a monotonous existence that when I was younger, swore that would not be the case. I get excited to get pants back from the cleaners and its borderline pathetic that I have a routine of Tuesday checking the new Redbox releases and Wednesday looking at the homeland grocery sales.

So for my loyal readers, yes all 5 of you, I promise to go out and get some life experiences this weekend to fill up the BMB (Blog Memory Bank). It’s kind of like the M.M.B if you catch my honcho.

The two blogs I had to nix for those wondering
Monday: Why do people call it trying to make a baby when we all know what is going on?
Tuesday: Airing Curtis family laundry. (Saving that for the book)

If you were Curious this Curtis’ has resorted to blogging about his blog.

Troy...a one man wolf pack

I know most of the readers have at one point or another been to a bar, who are we kidding unless you are pregnant or have recently given birth you will probably be a bar this weekend. Next time you are there look at your surroundings a little closer. A couple of nights ago, with no wife present, I ventured out to the bar by myself. Sad, yes, enlightening, very; and because the Office was a rerun what else was I going to do?

By the time I arrived, three other lost soul singles were bellied up so I joined them and ordered a drink. As I sip on the Miller Brewing Companies finest lite beer I begin to watch the interaction between a couple of my cohorts. The first guy thinks the bartendress, who is no better than a 5, loves him. ‘No sir, she is fishing for a tip, and you easily will be on a Dateline episode in three years’.

Then there was an Emo girl and dude, who as the night got later, began inching closer together and touching. I understand that being touchy feely is a disease that strikes even the best drunks, but if you are in a relationship, we get it, there is not need to prove that with handholding and kissing. So now I am sure you have a visual of me sitting and staring at everyone in the bar, judging, but what was I suppose to do.

Socially I have never been the outgoing butterfly that I portray in written form. I am more of a social observer than a social interacter. Not to say that I will not mingle I just have to see some benefit from interacting. In no way will I just engage in a conversation if there is nothing to gain. So to the guy in the bathroom at high end adult establishments, a quick hello, he shoots you a towel and breath mint, I slip him a dollar and the conversation was well worth it. However the flip side to this is talking to a semi-attractive girl at a bar while your wife is watching you. Unless she is a wifey friend or has something important to tell you about car headlights then I know all she is doing is fishing for a free drink. 1) No my wife is here, and 2) No, did you not see my wife standing over there about to swoop in like a falcon and rip your head off with her beak.

If you were Curious this Curtis now has a rule against going to a bar by himself unless the girls are paid to be topless.

Backwards Hats and Board Shorts

Must be a quarter+ life crisis that I am going through, as I feel most of my blogs concern the aging of this guy, but another week another disheartening experience. Having just returned from Tahoe I experienced another first; I am too old to look ‘cool’ on a snowboard.

No matter how much lower I pulled my pants down even to high school sag levels or how hip I changed my lingo to I just felt out of place, like a grandpa on the front row at a Ke$ha concert. I was sore after putting on my snowboard so suffice it to say I was on my death bed after 2 days of boarding. Falling was now a catastrophic event, I would have to lay there for minutes until I would finally tell myself, there is a ski school with ten 7 year olds about to run your geezer ass over, get up and get out of the way. So it made it me start to think, if I am too old for this what else am I too old for.

Jeans with holes in them; nothing says hey I am young and I am a hipster like wearing jeans that give a sneak peak of skin color, but alas people who are 27+ can rarely pull this off any more. For women it starts to look like rising bread dough pushing through a denim worm hole and for men it looks like Chewbacca trying to escape a denim dungeon. There is nothing worse than thinking you look cool but the only thing kids see in your jean window is a combination of varicose veins, wrinkles, and overgrown leg hair.

For women other common clothing age problems arise from large bows in your hair and wearing anything that says Class of 02’ seniors on them. Yes Logan, its time to retire all Seminole High School clothing, no it does not matter if you just sleep in them, and yes even the ones you wear as running shorts because those were short shorts 8 years ago.

This one hurts me the most to admit, but it looks as if backwards hats for me, might be a thing of the past. Nothing screams more of hey; I am here to get with your underage daughter than a guy leaning against a wall in his mid 30’s sporting a backwards baseball hat. Especially if peaking through you can see a receding hairline or a thinning tuft of unkempt hair. The same rule applies to those army hats with the tiny bills or whatever the hell you call them. People of my age need to stick with a straightforward baseball hat or maybe something of the bowler variety unless you are playing catch with your son or a Nascar race in which case it turns into anything goes.

A few quick hitters:
Saying the words, “I’m going to bounce.” (It means I am going to leave for my very advance aged readers)
Pimprolling in your car- Window down, arm out, music up, sunglasses on, head bobbing at a stop light.
Calling shotgun.
Arm wrestling.
Contracting Mono.
Fresh Water Fish Tanks.
Eating Fruit Snacks.
Buying Keystone or Natural Light Beer.
Using the words “Hook-up” especially weird if you are talking about someone you are married too.
Ordering a plain cheese pizza.
Making a ‘suicide’ at a soda fountain.
And finally Blog reader Matt R. from Texas suggested that wearing board shorts should fit this category but….

If you were curious, wearing board shorts will always be cool, and this Curtis will always do it.